SOME SECRET CONFESSIONS

I am still practicing my "Oscar" speech for when that moment arrives.

I confess to occasionally using my mother's seriously ill condition as a pretext with which to extricate myself from certain possibly undesirable social situations.

Starbucks is changing Manhattan for the worse and it makes me furious and disgusted… BUT I go there at least a week just because it’s always there. Sometimes I don’t go into certain places because I’m carrying a Starbucks cup. I wait until I finish my coffee. Shhh!

Sometimes... if no toilet paper... I reuse the ones in the garbage!!! Gross, right? I just don't care!!!

I charge large companies $375.00 for legal services and spend most of the day drunk and reading porn on my computer.

Years ago, after my divorce, I stole food for my kids and sold myself. That is one of my secrets.

My next-door neighbors are a yuppie family and they are very selfish and greedy. They think that because their rent is $6000 they can leave their disgusting white sneakers and plastic children's toys in the hallway. Sometimes, when I have to take the front elevator and cross their side of the hallway, I spit in their shoes. I fill their Nikes and Adidas with saliva. Lately I have been thinking about peeing in their shoes or just tossing them in the trash. If they don't know how to live like civilized New Yorkers they should move to suburban Connecticut or New Jersey. A porch, a basement and an attic will do them well. I want them out of my building. I want them out of my city.

Nobody in the family knows I had sex with my second cousin.

I killed a man in 1957.

My Pin Number is 012-3224.

For the past few days, when I look in the toilet, there is blood in my stools and tremendous pain in my abdomen. I’m terrified there is something wrong with me. I have no health insurance. This happened a month ago and also in twice during the winter. I haven’t told anyone. What if I am sick?

When my period is just a day late or so, whether or not I have been sexually active, I become convinced that I am the vessel for the next Messiah. Even after my period arrives I am not totally convinced I won't immaculately conceive one of these days. I fantasize about the press I would get as the new Mother of the Messiah, how no one would believe me and would dig my past, and then the ultimate satisfaction I would get, whether or not in my lifetime, when the world realized that I had been telling the truth and was right all along.

My dog Tullie died. My mom bought me another dog for my birthday. I pretend to love my new dog so my parents will feel good, but I don’t love him because I miss Tullie and at night I cry.

Before leaving a bathroom in a bar or restaurant, I always tidy up so the person after me won't think that I'm the sloppy fucking pig who leaves paper on the ground and drippy drip drips on the toilet seat. I’d rather touch stranger’s pee and snot than have another stranger think badly of me. What does this say about me, I wonder?

I worked in the film industry for many years and I had never seen 'Citizen Kane.' When it was referred to in conversation, I heartily agreed that it was the "best" film ever made.

I steal between 50 to 200 dollars a week from my company. Of the 40 hours a week I sit at my desk, I spend about 10 working on my job. Maximum.

A Confession:
I hacked into my ex-lover's e-mail account and read her e-mail which goes against all my principles and my entire value system.

Oh, gee thanks! – I say when I get a present, but I’m already thinking about who I’m gonna re-gift.

I have a lot of friends who are anorexic and bulimic and need 'support'. Even though I know these are 'real problems', it is impossible for me to empathize. Eating disorders strike me as extremely Western, selfish, and indulgent and people who have these kind of food "issues" have no idea how lucky they are. Look at the paper. Get some perspective. Get a life.

When I was a little girl, I secretly wanted to become a nun - I thought this would eliminate a lot of problems in my future.